Saturday, December 20, 2014

Three One

I'm 31(sh*t) and I don't feel like one. In my mind and heart, I will remain as the 20 plus kid-at-heart.  Physically however, I feel years older than my biological age. My darker skin tone, sudden acne attacks leaving harsh and dark spots, excessive oiliness that is later contradicted by dryness and painful skin flaking and the uncontrollable weight gain I've been battling since 2011.  I've never tried any diet routine because God knows I have the lowest EQ when food is so near to me. I tried jogging every weekend, but waking up early seems to be the real test. I wanted to try those delivered meal boxes, but my budget does not agree.  There are days when I don't mind my protruding belly and humongous cheeks. Most of the time though, I'm further losing my diminishing self-esteem when facing the mirror. Using the full body mirror in a public restroom, with a group of skinny females, worsens everything. All the more when I see my pile of unused pants and blouses. Everything will eventually be dumped to my eBay account. 

This age also marked my first decade of working... in the same company. Should I feel proud or ashamed of myself? I haven't achieved my financial goals. That dream car and real estate are way out of target. I hate to admit it, but I'm also burdened with some credit card bills. And I haven't even mentioned about the trouble of being single in your 30sh years. Everyone in the family is making you feel the ugliest. 

I may sound so negative, insecure and hopeless. I'm not satisfied with where I am and the way things are going. I'm not blaming anyone though. What I know for sure, I will do something to make my life better. This will be the last time I will feel sad and melancholy. Easier said than done, I hope this will reverse or equalise for me in the future. Saying it also means achieving it. Yeah right, it will never work that way. The best stories are fueled by 75% pain and crying, 15% success, 5% luck and 5% inspiration. Like that of my favourite Korean drama series. Except that love and inspiration are not included in the equation. It's like another variable x or y that emerges out of nowhere and the entire equation becomes that complicated. Hahahahaha

I spent my birthday at home. I took a birthday leave for the first time. I want more sleeping hours, no alarm clocks, eat all of my favorite food, movie marathon and a lot of rest. Only half of my plans happened. I was able to sleep well, my Nanay cooked my favorite kare kare, Mcdonald's delivery, and I cleaned my room the entire day. It was rather a quiet and different birthday I had over the last years. A few days before my birthday I met up with my best friend T and tried 8 Cuts Burger at SM Megamall. I checked H&M, only to end up at SM Department Store. Didn't find anything nice for me even from Old Navy and the other new shops. A day before my birthday, I got to see the people behind two of my favorite blogs, Leah and Mother E.

Unlike my previous birthdays, I don't anymore have that dump of photo uploads. I don't know why but I don't feel like documenting everything now. As I type this post, I'm feeling some unusual body aches. Must be the result of going home late last week and all the food intakes I had. Gaaaaaaaahd, I am really aging.


  1. In fer, akala ko mid-twenties ka pa lang.
    Alam mo, you're much tooooooo harsh on yourself. And BTW, ikaw lang nakakita nung physical flaws that you enumerated. Kunsabagay, I was already in my mid-30s when I accepted all my imperfections, and what a difference it made sa level of happiness ko.
    Be kind to yourself.

    1. Thank you Mother E! I appreciate your words (no pun intended) minsan feeling ko kailangan ko lang talaga ng kausap or medyo KSP lang ;)

  2. And smile ka palagi kasi you have a very beautiful smile.

  3. Hey, belated happy birthday! If it's any consolation, you don't look like you're in your 30s. Mga forever young-looking tayo eh. Hehe! You're not alone though. There are times I feel insecure as well kasi hindi ko pa naa-achieve yung goal ko of being financially stable. Sure I have some savings, pero it's not enough para I can retire comfortably or take a sabbatical even for a year. If I had my way, sana I took the chance of looking for a job abroad when I was still in my 20s. :)

    1. Thanks for reading my drama Rose :) And yes, sometimes I want to try having a sabbatical leave. Mala eat, pray love lang ang peg ko :)


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