Friday, July 28, 2017

Some midweek thoughts

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Two years ago, I reached one of my lowest points in life. It started around May and lasted until the last quarter of the year. It was only my birthday and the Christmas season that changed everything. A year after, I probably got used to with the sadness. A few friends, family and some little surprises along the way helped me get through everything. Fast forward now, I think everything remained the same. It's sad and disheartening. More than the struggle, it makes me realize that my efforts are useless. I'm still a failure. My greatest fear is remaining in this pathetic state and accepting that I will never be meant for greater things. That hurts.

I'm not sure if it's the weather or because I'm idle. Work was suspended for two days. I should have followed my instincts. I should have brought home some files to accomplish. If I was productive, I will never have time to entertain another set of sad thoughts. But these sentiments have been recurring for years already. This leads to the lone and obvious action, I have to painfully wear and walk the shoes of a grown up. 

I'm exerting efforts. A few times, I thought I was on track. Only to later realize, I'm on my way to another taste of failure. I hold on to the idea that a rejection means one step closer to that dream. But standing up and moving on is never an easy phase. It entails another state of sadness and losing that dwindling self esteem. 

While everything is still uncertain, my prayers remained the same. More than finding some light to my struggles, I wish and pray for good health for me and my family. It's more than enough reason to remain grateful, amidst my other struggles. 

3 comments

  1. Oh sweet Diane, I hope the rest of July and all of August will be upbeat for you. I see nothing of failure in you, dear friend. You have a lot of talent with words and your camera and you have a loving heart. Remember, God loves you, and so does this pen pal.

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  2. Hi, Diane! Let me first say that I'm loving this new layout of yours! It looks really neat, and easier to navigate yung home page :)
    I have always believed that great things take time, and that there will always be a time meant for us to shine. It may not be today or tomorrow, but it will come. I also used to think that I'm not meant for greater things, that I should be happy of where I am because that's the only thing I can do. I used to wallow in self pity. But I remember someone telling me that if we keep on being like this, it will not help us become better people. During this period where we think things arent great, we should work on bettering ourselves while waiting for that time to shine moment. Ang dami kong sinabi haha pero just letting you know na hindi ka nag iisa sa mga thoughts na ganito :) Madami tayong magkakasama. Huuugs! Happy weekend! :)

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  3. Hi Diane! I do not know you personally, beyond what you let on in your blog. But reading your words, I have a sense of deja vu. Been there. (Sometimes, I still return there, wherever "there" is. :-P ) But things will get better, you'll see. And I hope that someday you'll be able to look back at this and smile. Perhaps, you might even be grateful for what you've gone through, making your later victories even sweeter. :-)

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