Slipping Through My Fingers - It was only this year when I realized that this song, originally released by ABBA, depicts a mother-daughter relationship. I watched Mama Mia and listened to ABBA's songs because of my mother. It was her all time favorite musical group. Everything in the lyrics reminded of my mother. She was my constant companion on every first day at school. We always have breakfast together. She helps me pack and unpack my things on the rare times I travel.  We have designated mall dates; Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, her birthday, All Souls Day, before Christmas and New Year's eve. Everything changed during the pandemic. She was so careful, yet COVID still hit our home. Her lone and longest hospital confinement eventually led to her death. Time flies, it has been a year since we lost her. 

There was never a day I didn't think of my mother. I always wish that she will appear in my dreams and tell me that everything will be alright, even in her absence. 

This time last year, I was filled with tears. My cousins assisted me in this painful day at the hospital. I'll never forget how my cousins from the province traveled to Antipolo to assist me. Another cousin helped me arrange the cremation services. During the peak of the Delta Variant, even crematory services became a difficult service. When I finally reached home, I made the most painful video call with my Uncle, whom I always believe as my mom's favorite sibling. 

I'd like to believe we are better today. I still shed tears whenever I visit my mother's resting place. I avoided my Uncle because it feels like another crying episode. He reminds me so much of my mother. 

Other than grief, our family's struggle was taking care of Kuya. After several months, we found a reliable household help. She is one of our greatest blessings. The house remained clean and organized, as if my Mother was still alive. Her maternal instinct also helped in giving that much needed comfort to Kuya. 

We survived Christmas and New Year. We thought we are doing well, not until me and Kuya tested positive for COVID. We recovered, but healing was a different story. Halfway this year, it took us several doctors to determine Kuya's source of discomfort. We eventually landed to another kind hearted Rehabilitation Doctor and Physical Therapy services. 

I still grieve. There are days when everything is falling to place. There are days when I feel that I'm a complete mess. We still have financial struggles, which I hope to leave and end this year. I have pending projects at work, which I hope to complete this year. There's also this one project that caused me a trip to a cardiologist. I was told to give up, but my hard headed self refused. I have to do it. I'm taking it personally and tbh, I'll never have the heart to forgive people who will cause my defeat. Yes, I'm that intense. 

There's so many things I wish I could tell her. I still imagine, what if she was still alive. I don't even know how to properly end this post. We still have struggles, but we are surviving and making all means to be better.