Everything still feels like yesterday. It was this time last year when my parents both tested positive for COVID. While most families were savoring the long weekend, me and my cousins were exhausting all means to search for a hospital that would admit my mother. I thought that elusive hospital bed will be our savior. It turned out to be the last place where I could see my mother alive. She was taken by the ambulance and that was the last time my Dad saw her. I went home with her ashes and the next days were nothing, but the most painful memories. I would not have made it today without the people who continuously supported me. 

I'm still struggling, but somewhere along the way, there are people who would make their presence felt. Knowing I have a support system makes the pain bearable. 

I avoid going out on weekends, especially Sundays since we don't have household help. I assist my Dad in taking care of Kuya. I still look forward for weekends because it's the only time I can sleep well and stay home. What I didn't foresee, weekends also remind me of my mother. We barely changed anything inside the house. Everything is still about her and I have to admit, weekends also become a struggle with grief.

Once in a while, Dad encourages me to get out of the house. There was a time when I went to the mall to unwind but ended going home. The sight of mothers and daughters made me miss my mom. I no longer have someone to call Nanay and no one calls me, the way my mom calls me, anak.

A few days ago, my cousins treated me for Saturday dinner within our hometown. This was the first time I went out on a weekend, without attending to an errand. Speaking of errands, I had one paper left to finally close the claims related to my mother's death. This was another set of grueling experience, which I hope to finally conclude this month. 

Food was always my connection with my mother. She was my constant companion whenever I wish to try a restaurant. The last restaurant we tried was Wang Fu, days before the lockdown happened. We both love salted egg infused dishes. I promised to take her to more places with Dad and Kuya. I promised to acquire our own car, I was close on getting to that dream. But God made other plans. To this day, my selfish heart still can't understand why she was taken away. She is our rock. She is likewise the mother to her remaining siblings and my two cousins. She is one of the main reasons why I'm working hard. 

Things may not be doing well for us now, but I know in God's time, I will be better.