The more I tried, the more I fail. 

This has been life over the past weeks. I still can't get over the sadness and silent crying episodes. It always starts on those days I long for my mom's presence. I will cry about my mother and eventually, all the other things that messed up my life.

I wanted to be better. But all my efforts feel so futile. The more I tried to be better, the more I feel desperate and frustrated. 

My mother's first death anniversary is nearing. While it is called as babang luksa in our local language, I felt that such does not exist. We don't end mourning and grief. Once you lose a loved one, the grief stays and you have to live with it.  

Other than grief, work and my personal life have not been doing well. It feels like I don't accomplish anything at all. I'm tired of dealing with people. I'm overwhelmed with responsibilities. I don't feel anything optimistic. 

On some days, I wish someone would check on me. I miss my mother's instinctive way of knowing whenever something is bothering me. I hope I can cry over someone who understands my weaknesses. I hope healing and recovery immediately comes after the tears.