I’m writing this with the hope that something better emerges during the summer break. This has been a problem I’ve been trying to resolve since my designation at work shifted from full-time school administrator to full-time faculty member. The change in position came with a different salary and employment terms. While struggling with a decrease in monthly salary since August of last year, I also have to prepare myself for the summer break. The change in employment meant I would not receive any compensation during the summer break. 
Other tenured faculty members use their vacation leave credits to cover the summer break. But in my case, I don’t have sufficient leave credits. I have been using my leave credits to attend to family needs in the past months. 

I have thought of numerous ways to address my situation.  One is to accept possible teaching work during the summer break. But such is not guaranteed. Teaching during the summer is dependent on whether there are students willing to enroll. If my computations are accurate, one or two teaching assignments cannot even compensate a full monthly salary. I am willing to offer myself for other tasks, such as research and document preparation for accreditation. But still, the amount of compensation for such work does not provide a guaranteed monthly salary. Sometimes, a project based work is even paid at the end of the summer. Unfortunately, my bills and expenses cannot be paused for the entire summer. 

In the middle of this week, I had a conservation with my superior from my secondary or supporting employment. The employment terms and conditions for full time faculty members in their institution are way different. They have a working environment that provides security and lessens worries of both tenured and probationary full time faculty members. On the summer months, tenured faculty members receive full compensation. Those who wish to take on summer teaching work are given additional compensation. 

Another thing I discovered, they have a different meaning for tutorial classes. Tutorial classes meant having 1:1 teacher - student ratio. In the case of my current employer, tutorial are classes with less than 15 students. Pay is also given at the end of the semester. Unfortunately, one of my classes this semester have 12 students. This meant that one of the subjects I'm handling will have delayed compensation. 

I explored other higher education institutions and discovered that most follow the system of my supporting employer. The entire situation made me feel that I am not wishing for something unreasonable. What should have been a standard in other higher education institutions emerged as an unreasonable want with my current employer. 

For months now, my hope has been the same. I wish to find a new employer. Not only for financial stability, but for the chance to rebuild. 

I spent six years as a school administrator, giving more than what was required: time, patience, personal resources, emotional labor. I believed in the work. I believed in the institution. I gave my best because I thought it mattered.

Today, giving my best or the mere practice of giving feels heavier. I continue to work even when my compensation no longer compensates. I continue even when my contributions feel diminished. Mostly because  the work I did never generate direct income. Yet that work was never meaningless. It built credibility, strengthened compliance and elevated academic standing. It helped the institution compete in spaces where prestige and quality matter. Still, lately, it feels those efforts quietly lost their value.

In the middle of everything, there are also people who created a villain version of me. For a moment, I considered confronting them. But life intervened, as it often does. The opportunity never came. Their words still hurt, but at this point, my financial constraints weighs heavier than reputation.

I want to be better. I want to move forward. I am waiting for the place, the work, and the timing that will allow life to breathe again. Not perfectly. Just better.