Around this time last year, we were struggling with my brother's health condition. While everyone at the workplace is celebrating a success, I was in despair. It took several doctors to figure out everything. We weren't exactly sure if my brother was already fully healed. We relied on his usual way of expressing pain. He was no longer crying . So I guess the regular physical therapy sessions worked. It was a big win for me and my father. Before the year ended, we had to deal with his edema. A visit to the internist didn't address everything immediately.  After the holiday break, his edema eventually subsided. We were left with the bed sore, which was successfully addressed through an online consultation with a dermatologist. 

Dealing with my brother's health issues humbled me in many ways. It taught me to pray and trust His ways. I still grieve over Mom's death, but Dad's efforts to keep our family remains as our everyday blessing. He is our family's hero. We have everything we need from Dad's presence.  My brother's health is more than enough source of our contentment. We are fine, for as long as my brother is fine. 

All the while, I thought life was close to perfect. But life is making other plans. 

My silent struggles and battles are making its presence felt. This is beyond grief. I always thought that other forms of struggles will be easier, once you have experienced grief. I thought I'm equipped with immunity from pain

My frustration and desire to be in control introduced me to another kind of pain. A week ago, I felt accomplished. Days after, everything began to fall apart. I feel so defeated.  

These are days when I long for my mom's presence. I miss those days when I have a mom who patiently listens. My mom does not always take my side, yet she never questions my decisions. She provided me the opportunity to grow, with the assurance that I always have a home in her. 

I wish I have the assurance that soon enough, everything will be fine. I wish there was someone who can listen and understand. I wish I can wake up feeling better. I wish my recovery will come as easy, as how pain and sadness easily enter my system.